


Corrupted Memories

by Writer_of_the_Dragons



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, I've been informed this fic is pretty sad so be warned, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, it was in the past but he talks about them, the whole concept of the coruption is discussed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29931030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writer_of_the_Dragons/pseuds/Writer_of_the_Dragons
Summary: Steven encounters a Corrupted Gem while on the road. He manages to calm it down, but now he needs to keep it calm while he waits for the gems to arrive with the Diamond essence.OrA discussion of corruption, from one monster to another.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	Corrupted Memories

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of thoughts about the corruption and Future just made them worse. In retrospect this fic is a bit dramatic, but fuck it. I wrote it, I _finished_ it, I'm posting it.

"You know, I corrupted once too."

The Gem beside him shifted, tilting its horned head in his direction in a way that made Steven think it might just be listening.

It probably wasn't. Or if it _was_ , it probably couldn't really understand. He'd talked to Nephrite after they healed her, and she had confessed to only having the vaguest of memories of their time together during her corruption. Which was a shame really, because Steven really thought the two of them had bonded, but was probably better for her in the long run.

Still, this Gem right here, right now, was calm. It was laying beside him, its claws sheathed, its head titled. It was listening. He just had to keep talking while he waited for Garnet and the others to arrive with the Diamond Essence. And maybe talking was helping. 

He didn't think too hard about _who_ it was helping. 

"When I was a kid, I used to think Corrupted Gems were _angry_. Of course, that was back before I even knew what a Corrupted Gem was. Back then I just called them Gem Monsters."

Steven paused, taking a moment to just _breathe_. The Gem made a noise, something like an inquisitive whine, and he reached out to stroke its head gently. 

It helped.

"I don't know why the Gems let me do that. Why _they_ did that. Maybe Dad said it first, back when he didn't really understand Gem stuff. Maybe _I_ said it first. Maybe that's what I called them the first time I saw one as a little kid and the Gems just went with it. Because explaining corruption meant explaining the _war_ , and how do you explain war to a kid?"

He paused. He breathed. He stroked the Gem's head.

"No kid should understand war."

He _breathed_. 

"Anyway, I used to think Corrupted Gems were angry. They were all loud roars and broken houses and it just all seemed very _rage-like_ , you know? But then I found out they used to be people and I realized they were really just _scared_. But I guess some part of me still thought of them as angry, because when _I_ corrupted part of me expected to be _mad_."

He stopped petting the Gem. His voice dropped to barely a whisper.

"But I was just _scared_."

The Gem whined.

"I was scared and hurting and I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted everything to just- just- _go away_ so I could feel _safe_. But the one hurting me was _me_ , it was all in my _head_ so I _couldn't get away and I was so scared_."

The Gem whined again, this time shifting its massive bulk until its head rested in his lap like some overgrown cat. Steven startled, and realized that his breathing had picked up, gotten quick and panicky. He tensed, then deliberately relaxed, slowly, one muscle at a time. 

The Gem in his lap made a noise that was either a purr or a growl. Steven tried not to cry.

"The really scary part is, I don't think I was a danger to other people. Or, no, I _was_ , but only if they got in my way. I don't think I would have attacked anyone if they hadn't attacked me first. There was only one person I wanted to hurt and that was _me_."

He breathed and breathed and breathed and finally forced the truth that had been circling around in his head since The Incident out into the world.

And Steven spoke the words he hadn't told anyone before, not even his therapist.

"I tried to bash my head in."

The Gem went still.

"It's kinda funny when you think about it. Corruption is such a _Gem_ thing. The body turning monstrous to reflect the state of the mind. Human bodies don't do that. They change, sure, but the changes are slow and rarely dramatic. So you'd think, being corrupted like that, I would have tried to shatter my Gem, not my skull."

The Gem in his lap gave a full body _flinch_ at the word "shatter", before surging forward and knocking him on his back. 

For a brief second Steven was filled with pure panic. He lifted one arm to summon his shield while the other scrambled across the ground to find purchase, sure that the Corrupted Gem had decided to get violent once more. But the Gem just flopped on top of him, pinning him down with the weight of its body and after a few heart racing moments, Steven realized it was making what probably counted as a soothing crooning.

He relaxed, and awkwardly lifted his arm to pat the Gem on the back.

"I don't- I don't _want_ to die." He assured it. "I'm glad the Gems and everyone were able to get through to me. I was just, I was so _scared_ , you know? Everything had been building up and up and up and it felt like it had all come crashing down on me at once. All my feelings, my mistakes, and everything with my powers… And the Corruption, it twisted my not so good thoughts into a- a _knife_ pointed at my own throat."

Steven closed his eyes and let the heavy weight of the Gem ground him. 

"I don't know what it's like for you. My Corruption came from within myself. It was a reflection of my mental state at the time. Before I got help. Before I _accepted_ help. But you and the others, you guys were _forced_ to Corrupt. The Diamonds sent down their wrath and expected everyone to _shatter_. The Corruption was a surprise to everyone involved."

Steven snorted and waved his hands.

"Surprise!"

His arms fell limply to the ground. The Gem failed to get off his chest.

"I wonder if the attack worked like _my_ Corruption. Did it drag all your worst fears and thoughts about yourself to the surface? Did it make you feel like an imposter in your own skin? Were your last moments as a normal Gem filled with terror and self-loathing so strong the transformation almost felt _right_?"

The Gem didn't answer. It couldn't. 

"I hope not. I really really hope not."

The wind blew through the trees. The Gem on his chest purred and crooned and worked to force its warped vocal cords into something soothing for the little being that had met it with kindness instead of fists. Steven laid on the ground, feeling the bruises he had gained from a fight that could barely be called such rapidly fading with each breath he drew.

It was peaceful. Despite everything, this one moment felt right.

"Don't worry." Steven said, and he wasn't really sure if he was talking to the Gem or to himself. "You'll get better. You'll heal."

In the distance, he heard the familiar chime of a warp pad activating and the even more familiar chime of the voices of his family calling out his name. The Corrupt Gem tensed, but Steven relaxed. He could imagine them now: Garnet, with an entire bathtub held over her head, water sloshing over the edges. Amethyst, shapeshifted into a rubber duck, floating in the water and laughing as she helped push he water out. Pearl, carrying the bottles of Diamond essence in her arms and scolding Amethyst for wasting water while fighting off a smile. He lifted his hand to rest it comfortingly on the Gem's head and offered it a smile.

"And you won't have to do it alone."

**Author's Note:**

> You ever think about the fact that the first thing Steven did after turning into a giant monster with huge arms and laser breath was _slam his head into the temple cliff?_ Because I do.


End file.
